Filed to story: Sorry Alpha I Am Wolfless Novel
I spent the entire night with the kids. I didn’t want them to feel lonely or abandoned at all. I played a game with them, watched a movie, read to them, and tucked them all into bed. Afterwards, I needed to vent some of my frustration.
I decided to shift almost as soon as the kids were in bed. I hadn’t even gone outside yet, which meant that I ended up walking through the castle in my pure black wolf form until I got outside.
Once I was free of the confining building, I ran. I just ran as hard and as fast as I could. Around the castle, through the forest, up the mountain. I didn’t realize at first that I was trying to find a trace of my Little Bunny as I ran. It didn’t hit me for a little while until the depression started to hit me. I was really trying to see if her soul was out here. I must be an idiot.
After I exhausted myself, or rather my frustration, I went back inside. I needed to sleep. I had to rest so that I could be there for the kids and for my wife. No one knew when she was going to wake up. It could be now, ten minutes from now, ten days from now, or it could even be ten years from now. No one knew anything at all about what was going on.
I knew that there was someone else in the room the moment that I walked into it. I recognized the presence of another person, and I immediately went into the closet to get dressed. No need to frighten her.
After I was dressed, I walked over to my bed and climbed in beside the person that had come to visit us. Talia was laying against Riviana’s side and hugging her tightly. I did my best not to wake her as I pulled the blanket up over her and tucked her in. I kissed her forehead and then laid down beside her so that she had the warmth and comfort from me as well as the feeling of her mother.
That was how I slept for the rest of the night, and I woke up to Talia holding onto me instead of Riviana. Talia was still sound asleep, and I could tell that she had been crying through the night. At least I had been here to hold onto her this time. She wasn’t alone.
“Mommy?” I heard her little voice while he slept on. “Come back, Mommy.”
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Riviana
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I stepped through the door and felt like I was being sucked into some sort of whirlpool, vortex or something similar to that. The moment that my foot went across the threshold of that door that was just standing there in the mountains, it pulled me over like something had grabbed me and dragged me down.
The three little imps that looked like miniature versions of Joaquin seemed to be pulled along with me as I went through the door, but when I landed, I didn’t see them anywhere. Actually, I didn’t see anything at all. I seemed to have ended up in a pitch black, completely dark room of some sort. I didn’t know what to do or what to think when I landed there.
“Hello?!” I yelled out to the darkness that surrounded me. “Is anyone there?” There was no response at all. “HELLO?!”
I had yelled out even louder, to the point where my throat hurt a little, still there was no response. “What the hell.” I growled in frustration. “Well, I knew this was a possibility. OK, maybe not this exact thing but I knew that me not going home was a possibility. I mean, the little imps didn’t look very certain about this door, but it did move me to a different location. So, maybe this was some sort of progress for me.
“Hahh.” I sighed loudly as I tried to get my bearings in order. I wanted to get a sense of my location, but my eyes weren’t adjusted to my surroundings just yet. “Dammit.” I snapped but then immediately calmed down. “Well, there is nothing that I can do about it right now. I guess I need to just try to move around and see if I can figure something out.”
I decided to turn around and see if there was anything behind me that was of any importance. I moved slowly as I tried not to trip over my own feet. It was so dark I couldn’t even see my own hands directly in front of my face so I didn’t need to trip and risk landing on something that could hurt me.
I took two timid and tentative steps forward with my arms out in front of me. The steps were small, barely a few inches each, but I still ran into a solid surface almost immediately. It felt like a wall. A wall with no door.
I tried to feel around the wall. I went to my left, counting my steps as I went.
“One… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine… ten… elev-.” I stopped because I reached the edge before I could take my step. “Well that is the end of that side.”
I started back the other way. Slowly counting and measuring my steps to make sure they were equal to the ones I took to get to this side.
“One… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine… ten. OK, I should be back to the center. Now to move to the other side.” I steadied myself, took a breath and then started moving again. “One… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine… ten.” I reached a little more with my hands and I was at the edge again. “OK, well at least the place is symmetrical.” I laughed as I said it, finding that funny for some reason that I didn’t even understand. “OK, time to get back to the middle and venture away from this wall.” I started to move once again, back toward the middle of the space that I was in. “One… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine… ten.” There, now I was back in the middle of the room.
“I wonder how far this room goes.” I spoke to the dark room as I took my first step. “Also, I wonder if I should be walking along the walls, just in case there is another door there. Oh well, too late now.” I had already started to walk forward into the darkness before me.
I literally felt like I was blind while I walked. I couldn’t see anything at all. Because of that, I wasn’t taking very large steps. And the steps that I did take, I basically dragged my feet along the floor as I went. I didn’t want to risk stepping onto or into something that would hurt me or cause me to fall. No, I needed to be safe right now. I had to take this slow.
“I wonder what the kids are doing now. How are they taking this? What do they think about Mommy not waking up?” I may have asked the question aloud just to help kill the time until I found somewhere to go, but I honestly didn’t want to think about that at all. I didn’t want to have to know what they were thinking and feeling. I knew that they were sad, hurting, heartbroken, all of it. They would feel like Mommy didn’t want them anymore. They would think that they had done something wrong or that I just didn’t love them anymore. I couldn’t handle that thought. I didn’t want my babies to feel like I didn’t love them.
While I thought about that, making sure that I kept moving forward all the time, I could finally see some sort of light in the distance.
“Finally!” I sighed happily in relief. “How long have I been walking anyway?” It felt like it had been hours since I left the wall. I had been taking slow, dragging steps, but I knew that I had to have gone at least a mile already. “Huh, I just realized something.” I said to myself. “There is no more resistance when I walk. That had almost completely slipped my mind until now.” I laughed at how inattentive that I had been. “How stupid I have been to not even notice that.”
I laughed at myself as I focused on the light that was off in the distance. That light was just a pinprick and it seemed so far off in the distance still. If I’ve already gone a mile or more and I can only just barely see that light, then I can only assume that the light was still several miles off in the distance.
“This is going to take forever.” I was starting to lose my will to move on.
‘You are losing heart because you know that you are nothing. You are worthless. You have done nothing but cause trouble and get people killed. You hurt everyone that ever gets close to you. You are a plague, Riviana. A curse of death and heartache on those around you.’
I would love to say that those words were spoken by the same voice that had been bothering me all along, but it wasn’t. This voice that spoke now, seemed to be my own. But I didn’t say that. I didn’t think that. Those weren’t my feelings at all.
I was starting to panic now. What was going on here? Why would those words come in my own voice? I didn’t feel that way.
‘Or do you?’ The voice spoke again, it was sounding ominous and full of confidence right now. ‘You obviously do not know what it is that you truly feel, Riviana.. You don’t know the secrets of your heart.’
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Riviana
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OK, well I couldn’t very well say that the voice wasn’t freaking me out. For one, how was it talking in my voice now instead of someone else’s? Two, why was it telling me that these horrible things were what was truly in my heart? And finally, why couldn’t I ignore it like the other voice that I had been hearing?
‘You cannot ignore me Riviana, I am you. I am the thoughts and feelings that you have buried deep inside of you. I am the truth of your heart that you don’t let the world see. I can be hidden from others, but I cannot be hidden from you. I am you, Riviana. I am the dark part of you that you don’t wish to face.’
