Filed to story: Sorry Alpha I Am Wolfless Novel
“JOAQUIN!” I shouted his name. “REAGAN! RIKA! TALIA!” If this was what was happening right now, maybe they could-.
“They cannot hear you.” The other me said before I could finish that thought. “This is a viewing screen only. It does not transmit to the land of the living. It is usually meant to show the viewer their past, however, it can be used to show someone what their family is doing after they are gone.” I didn’t like the way she was talking. I didn’t like the sound of those words.
“But I am not gone. I am not dead. And I need to get back home.”
“I know you do, Riviana.” The other me gave me a firm look. “And we need to work together to get you out of here. You have been here for a lot longer than you think. In your world, it has already been almost two weeks.” [1]
“T..t..two w..we..wee..weeks?” I couldn’t believe what she had just told me.
“Yes, Riviana. Almost two weeks. Time passes slower here than in the land of the living. The reason for that is because the souls here are dead, so time does not matter to them anymore. Well, they are usually dead.” She giggled while she looked at me. “Come on now, let us get back to this.”
I tried to keep looking at the screen, to see Joaquin and the kids as they sat there at our dining table, eating what looked like dinner. They all looked so sad and somber. Joaquin looked worn out and worried, and the children all looked like they were on the verge of tears.
“No, my babies. Let me see them. I need to get to them now. I need to make them feel better.”
“Then let’s hurry up.”
I felt my heart aching. No, it was more than that. My heart was shattering as I looked at my children and saw them so close to tears. And knowing that those tears were for me made it even worse. All I wanted to do right then and there was to hold them, all of them. Reagan, Rika, Talia, and Joaquin. I wanted to hug all of my family and feel their warmth and love.
“I will be home soon, please wait for me.” I said the words to Joaquin, but I knew that he didn’t hear me.
[1] Time is passing differently for Riviana and Joaquin at the moment. So, when Joaquin’s chapters come up, they will be in Riviana’s past but his present.. There will be a few chapters with Joaquin and the others coming up, but as you likely guessed it, things will primarily be Riviana’s POV from now on.
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Riviana
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“What is the next stage? What is it that I need to do? What is going to happen next? What do you want me to do?” I heard my voice shaking as I said those words to her. All I could think about were my kids and Joaquin as they sat at the table looking miserable. I knew that they were hurting. I knew that they needed me, but I wasn’t there to help them and make it all better. I was failing them. I was failing as a wife and as a mother.
I was on the verge of tears, but I didn’t want to cry. Crying right now, for the other me to see, would just add insult to injury for me. I needed to be strong, to make sure that I didn’t fall apart completely.
“The next stage, Riviana, is to accept who and what you are. To accept the atrocities that you have either committed or allowed to happen. Then, following that, you need to accept that there is no such thing as perfection. You may not be human, but you have mostly human thought processes, all humanoid creatures do. The shifters, the Fae, the vampires, the witches and warlocks, all of them. They all think like humans do. It is because you are all closer to humans than animals. Even those of you that can become animals, you still live most of your lives as humans so that makes you human in this aspect. You are not animals, you are not angels, you are not demons, you are people, the ‘humans’ that live in the land of the living.”
“OK, so, what does this being human mean? What is the purpose of you saying all of this?” I didn’t understand why she went off of the original topic and started to talk about me being a ‘human’ all of a sudden.
“Have you ever heard the phrase ‘I am only human? Are you familiar with it?” She grinned and looked at me.
“You mean what humans say when they make a mistake that is caught by someone else? They will say something like ‘I made a mistake, I’m human’ or something like that, right? Is that what you mean?” I wanted to make sure that I knew what was being said right now.
“Yes, precisely. You have made a lot of mistakes Riviana. However, you are only human and, therefore, you are prone to making errors and mistakes. That is the first thing that you need to understand right now.”
“But I’m not human. I am so much more than that. I am not just a shifter and a witch and a Fae. I am more than that. I am the Luna Queen and I used to be the Goddess Incarnate. But even that is no longer all that I am. I am a Goddess now. I need to be better. I need to do better.”
Why? WHY? Why did I sound so desperate and hopeless right now? What the hell was the matter with me? What was going on with me? I needed to fix this, all of this. I needed to make everything better.
“STOP IT, RIVIANA!” The other me snapped at me loudly. “That is the thinking that led you to this place to begin with. That is what caused all of this. And remember, all of these errors, mistakes, and other issues that I have shown you, happened BEFORE you became a Goddess.”
“Yeah, but it was still me. I didn’t change just because I got a new title.”
“Precisely.” She was looking at me with such intensity that I wanted to recoil. I wanted to, but I didn’t.
“What are you talking about?” I was still confused but I needed to act like I didn’t know what was going on at the moment.
“You are the same person, Riviana. You have grown and learned things over the last several years, but you are the same person that was taken against her will to the Alpha’s estate when she was eighteen. You are the same person that was rejected and then accepted. You are the same person, you have just learned and grown through it all.”
“But I-.” I started to object. I started to make excuses, or defend myself, or something. I actually didn’t know what it was that I was going to say. I just knew that I wanted to defend myself in some way or another. I wasn’t able to, though, because the other me interrupted me.
“Stop that.” She snapped at me, causing me to stop immediately and just look at her.
For some reason, I was feeling quite vulnerable and broken. Hmm, I wonder if that had anything to do with all of the memories and images that she showed to me. Seeing the heartache and destruction that I had caused, as well as the heartache that my family was feeling right now, that was taking its toll on me, and I was beginning to crack and crumble.
“You need to stop trying to argue with me, Riviana. I am you and I know what I am talking about.”
“OK, if you truly are me, when did you first start to come into existence? What was it that actually created you? What part of me are you?”
“I am your darkness, Riviana. I am the part of you that has been harboring all of your dark thoughts since you were young.”
“I don’t have dark thoughts.” I denied it instantly and without even thinking. And even I knew that it was a lie. It was so much a lie that it would probably fuel the darkness inside of me for having so callously and unfeelingly lied.
“I don’t want to hear that, Riviana. I wouldn’t exist if you didn’t.”
“When did you start to actually exist?” I needed to know. I needed to know what actually caused something so evil inside of me.
