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bam, as soon as she told me, everything in me
wanted to be a father. It’s what I was born for. Some people are meant to be artists, singers, writers, musicians. Me? I was born to be that little guy’s father, and I knew it the moment I heard. So I begged.
“Eventually she said she would have the baby, but… for a cost. She wanted money to get out of town and start living her life. So, I fucking did it. I told her as soon as the baby was born I’d give her a check. It was all my savings. Literally everything I had, but it was worth it. She had Aiden. Wouldn’t even hold him.” Tears glistened in Kellan’s eyes. “She wouldn’t even hold her baby boy, her own son. The most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in the whole world, and she couldn’t even stomach to look at him. I gave her the check and told her to fuck off. She left the day she was discharged. I haven’t seen or heard from her since.”
If I’d felt like shit before, now I wanted to die. My brother had gone through something that made my stupid little tabloid meltdown seem so damn petty. He’d gone through that and had done a fantastic job raising Aiden. My nephew had grown up his whole life without a mother. And what did I do? Sent a soulless check a few times a year. Sure, the money probably helped, but people needed more than just money. People needed family, and I hadn’t been here. I’d chosen not to be here. I’d chosen to stay in the dark.
“Kellan,” I whispered, barely holding back tears. “I’m sorry. I should have been here. I… I’m such a terrible sister.”
“No, April, you aren’t.”
“I appreciate you saying that, but deep down, we both know it’s true. I can’t fix the past, and I know I’m no substitute for a mother, but I promise you I’ll be a better aunt. I’ll be there for you guys.”
Kellan nodded and sniffed. “Okay, that’s enough depressing shit for one night. Your turn to do the dishes, little sister.”
I did the dishes.
Later in the week, Kellan asked me to pick Aiden up from ball practice. The only bartender scheduled had called out sick and he had to go in since Kris was out of town meeting with a new microbrewery. I’d agreed, even though my butterflies swarmed my stomach. This was it. For the first time in fifteen years, I was probably going to see Steff.
The field was right behind the elementary school. When I walked up from the parking lot, there were at least a dozen kids and two dozen parents milling about. Aiden spotted me and sprinted toward me. He was going a mile a minute, telling me how great practice had been. Even though I did my best to listen and agree with everything he was saying, I could feel someone watching me.
Finally, I tore my eyes away from Aiden and glanced up. There he was. In a single instant, the past fifteen years vanished. A time machine had transported us back in time. Steff locked eyes with me, and an ache burned my chest. I’d told Kellan that we were adults now, and that I’d moved on. That, obviously, had been a lie. A bone-deep longing filled me. A longing for what might have been. It hurt even more because he was even more handsome than he’d been all those years ago when he said goodbye. The boyish face was now the face of a man. A man I’d once loved more than life itself.
TWO
STEFF
My head was spinning, and I had to blink and shake it to get myself under control. There was no way. No way in hell. The kid was nine years old. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it had been more than nine years since I’d left. How long since I’d left her crying in that parking lot? Ten? Eleven? More? Yeah, it couldn’t be. He was too young.
The boy—shit what was his name? It had to have been on the roster, but I couldn’t for the life of me pull it out of my head at the moment. Had I even read the roster? He was pulling April toward me. Her approach filled me with a mix of dread and excitement. Would she slap me across the face? Knee me in the balls? Break down crying? Sweat beaded on my forehead.
Then the other thought reared its head. If he was her son, who was his father? An irritated grumble rattled through my head. My bear was livid. The very thought had pissed it off. The irrational anger was startling, but not as much as the wave of possessive desire that filled me. What the fuck?
“Aunt April, this is my coach. Coach Steff, this is my aunt, April,” the boy said.
“Yes, Aiden, thanks,” April looked at me and said, “Hey, Steff.”
Aunt April? That explained it. He must have been Kris’s or Kellan’s son. There was another stab of guilt. Some of the best friends I’d ever had, now they’d rather piss on me than speak to me.
April and I stared at each other for several moments, multiple emotions battling it out inside me. I’d loved her once, with all my heart and soul. Every bit of myself had poured into her, and then I’d ripped her damn heart out. Even thinking about it made me hate myself. How much did she despise me for what I’d done?
She looked different, slimmer than when we were younger. She was almost too thin, waifish and sickly. That may have been part of her career, though. As hard as I tried to not keep tabs on her, it was impossible. For years, it seemed like every time I turned around she was on another billboard, commercial, or magazine cover. Like the universe was beating me across the head, punishing me for hurting her.
“Um, hey, April. Uh, long time no see.” Jesus, I couldn’t believe I’d really said that.
She made a weird frowning grin that let me know she’d thought it was an awkward thing to say too.
“Sorry,” I said, wincing, “I mean, it’s been a long time. It’s good to see you.”
“Yup, you too.”
My bear wouldn’t shut up and it was making it hard for me to concentrate. The beast inside me was reacting to her presence. Was it because the bear recognized her scent after all these years? Some familiarity that was making it act up? Whatever it was, the bear had nothing to do with how fast my heart was beating from being around her. Those brown eyes staring into mine swept a wave of memories across my mind. It was too much. I couldn’t handle it. I had to get out.
I flicked Aiden’s hat. “Great job today, buddy. I think you’re gonna have a heck of a year.” I glanced at April, my nerves still getting the best of me. “I guess I’ll see you around. I’ve got to head out. There’s… uh, something I’ve got to do.”
Not waiting for a response, I waved at her and turned to go. My bear fought me the whole way to my truck. It raged inside me, desperate to go back to April. I bit the inside of my cheek until it bled, forcing the need down. I picked up the pace, refusing to even glance back over my shoulder. If I did, I had no doubt the bear would win and send me back to her. This was not good.
As soon as I reached my truck, I jumped in and drove straight to the office. There was something wrong, and the guys were the only ones I could talk to about it. The trip there happened in a daze. Pulling into the parking lot, I blinked, realizing I couldn’t remember even half the drive. Had I run stop signs? I had no idea.
Once inside, I nodded to Kennedy. “Where are the guys?”
She raised her eyebrows and pointed toward the conference room. I made my way down the hall. All three of them were inside, poring over the floor plans on the table. It looked like a hotel’s floor plan, so they were probably planning another job. I closed the door and leaned against it, safe for the first time since seeing April.
Tate crossed his arms over his chest. “You good? Looks like you saw a ghost.”
None of them knew my dating history. I’d kept what happened with me and April close to the vest. Now wasn’t the time to keep secrets. Not after what happened with Tate and Harley. This was important.
“I think it’s happening to me,” I said.