Filed To Story: In the Shadow of the Past Luna (Lily & James)
But for Lily… really, she had barely had a single day. She had no idea what I was coming to Hawaii for, and she had no way to know if I was going to be the same arrogant jerk that I had been to her before the rejection.
For me to put her on the spot when I asked about her future plans and whether I would see her again was unfair. Of course, she turned me down. Of course, she got scared. She wanted safety, and there was no way for her to feel any of that after just 24 hours, no matter how amazing those kisses were.
And yes, they were amazing. Absolutely, f&&king amazing.
So what was I to do now? The only thing I possibly could, and the only thing I would continue to do until she either shut me out permanently or forgave me: apologize and explain.
I took in Lily, studying her face which was still consumed with hurt and anger.
“Lily, I —-“
“What, James? You are sorry? Well, I guess what? I am sorry too. Because I wanted to believe that you had changed, but it is clear to me that you still think the same things about me now that you used to think back then. That I am a dirty sl ut who does not deserve to be loved.”
“No, Lily,”
I said cautiously. “That is not it at all. I know I said some horrible things to you in the past, but I never meant them. None of what I said was true in the past, and those words are certainly not true today.”
“Why would you say those things then?”
“Same reason that I just said them now. I was jealous. It is not an excuse, but it is the truth.”
“What? I mean, I get you being jealous now. But back then?”
“Lily, the idea of you being around other male wolves has never NOT pi ssed me off. It pi ssed me off even before Stephanie died, and it definitely pi ssed me off afterwards. Levi was only one of many male wolves that I had to threaten to stay away from you.”
“But I thought you did all of that for revenge? Because I killed your precious Stephanie?”
“Yes, that was a big part of it. I will not deny it. However, knowing what I know now, when I look back on my memories of that time period, I can see that there was more to it than just that. The anger that I felt went beyond just revenge.”
(James POV)
“I do not understand. What are you trying to say?”
Lily asked.
Her voice was starting to calm down now. Good.
“After Stephanie died, I thought about you all of the time. It was distracting. In fact, I could not even stomach the idea of being intimate with other she-wolves, because every time that I even thought about sex, I thought about you.
For a while, it got so bad that I started to wonder if I had become an f&&king pedophile. But I knew I was not one, so I jumped to what I thought was the next logical conclusion.”
“Which was?”
“That I was thinking about you all the time because I missed and loved Stephanie, and you were my brain’s way of reminding me about all that I had lost. Given that we have a six-year age difference between us and given that I had always been brought up to believe that Stephanie was my mate, it never occurred to me that it could be anything else.
I
But looking back on it…knowing what I know now… I can see it clearly now. It makes perfect sense.
thought of you all the time, and I got upset at you spending time with male wolves, not because you killed your sister but because you were my mate. The mate bond between us was already taking effect. I just did not realize it, because it was far too early for either of us to know it yet.”
“James, I… I would like to ask you sort of an awkward question.”
I grabbed her hand.
“Go ahead, Lily. You can ask me anything. We will call this question a freebie.”
She sighed.
“I do not know if I am prepared to hear the answer to the question that I want to ask.”
“I have a guess as to what she wants to ask. Tell her to ask it anyway.”
“Luke thinks he knows what you want to ask me. He said that you should go ahead and ask.”
“I thought Luke was mad at me.”
“Eh, we are both mad at you. But we will get back to the Brady thing later. First, let’s finish this conversation.”
She looked down. “You said that you thought of me constantly, and that every time you thought about sex, you thought about me. But I know about the arrangements that you had with Sheila and her friends. Everyone does. Did you… did you think of me when you were… having sex with them?”
“BINGO. I was right,”
Luke bragged.
I let go of Lily’s hand, turned away from her, and ran my hands through my hair. I started to debate if I was really prepared to tell Lily my deepest, darkest, most embarrassing secret.
“You have to. She deserves to know. Rip the band-aid off, once and for all. It may help her to trust us again,”
Luke begged me.
I sighed.
“I never slept with a single one of them.”
I said calmly.
“There, I said it,”
I linked Luke.
“What?”
Lily exclaimed.
“You have gone this far; you might as well tell her everything,”
Luke linked.
Stupid wolf. I had to wonder if he would be this insistent if he had had the same problems I had had.
“James, what… what are you saying? How could it be that you never slept with any of them? Do you mean literal sleep or do you mean sex?”
I took another deep breath and sat down on Lily’s bed. Instantly getting another large whiff of Brady’s scent, I jumped up and moved to one of the guest chairs.
Here went nothing.
“Let me explain.
As you know, if there is one thing that alpha wolves are known for, it is their high sex drives.
I already told you that after Stephanie died, I could not get you out of my head. I also already told you that I started to worry that I was a f&&king pedophile. I also wondered around that time if Stephanie’s death had somehow ruined me for life. Both possibilities were huge problems.
My dad already thought that I was broken, and he was questioning whether I was too weak to ever be an alpha. Little did I know at the time that was partly a problem of my parents‘ own making, but that is a story for a different day.
The bottom line is that I started to worry what would happen if it somehow got out that I was a virgin, or somehow missing or defective.
She-wolves started throwing themselves at me not even a week after Stephanie died, but I got a pass for in mourning. a while, because everyone thought I was turning down the sex because I was i
However, I knew that it could not last forever. So I did what a lot of guys do, unfortunately. I lied.
themselves at
You see, I had pretty quickly figured out that many of the she-wolves who were throwing me did not give two sh&ts about me personally. All they really cared about were the social benefits that could come from banging the alpha-heir.
And that gave me an idea.
I picked a few unmated she-wolves who I thought could keep a secret, and who I knew wanted the social benefits. I then entered into arrangements with them. And before you ask, I had to have more than one she-wolf, because if there was just one, there might be pressure to eventually take that she-wolf as a chosen mate, and I did not want to be forced to be mated to a superficial she-wolf who only cared about her social standing.
Also, there was a reason that the arrangements were always described as ‘arrangements.’ It kept it ambiguous and somewhat impersonal. The deal was, the she-wolves would take turns sleeping on the couch in my bedroom. They would dress provocatively when they came in, but all they would do while in my room was play on their phones, watch TV, or sleep.
To the outside world, though, it would appear that we were having sex. A condition of the deal was that they never tell a soul about what was happening in my room. I did not have the benefit of an alpha-
command yet, but I made all sorts of threats to ensure total confidentiality.”
New Book: Veiled Desires of the Alpha King Novel
Dayson was the alpha of the largest pack in North America. Powerful figures from other packs sought to offer gorgeous girls as potential mates for Dayson. He steadfastly rejected these advances, he was not a pawn to be manipulated. But eventually there came a mysterious girl he could hardly say No. Who was she?