Chapter 203 – Sorry Alpha I Am Wolfless Novel

Filed To Story: Sorry Alpha I Am Wolfless Novel

I had expected Shawn to look nervous and scared or embarrassed at least. But no, he just acted like it was nothing. I was really glad to see his relationship progressing well. No one should have to deal with too much stress in their relationship, trust me on that one.

It didn’t even take ten minutes before we were all assigned rooms and we had all scattered to our respective places. The representatives among the group would come and get orders from Joaquin and myself later, but for now we just needed to relax and get cleaned up.

But there was something that I just hadn’t calculated. I hadn’t thought about the fact that I was only holding it all together because there were so many people around us. But as the group dwindled down and we made our solitary journey down the hall to our suite, I realized it wasn’t just Joaquin’s warmth I had come to rely on today. No, it was the warmth of everyone together.

Everyone who had been present and knew about the baby. Those who lost almost as much as I did with the loss of my baby. Juniper, Noah, Carter, Vincent, David, Shawn, Shane, Dietrich, Paul, Cedar. All these people were part of my daily life. They knew that they would be part of my child’s daily life.

They were excited and happy for the upcoming changes. Their excitement had been providing me with a sense of calmness since I found out about the baby. And they were just as devastated that this life had been snuffed out.

The shared pain and sorrow they felt along with me was helping me to cope this whole time. I felt the loss of their shared feelings very distinctively. It was like I had a blackhole sucking away all my emotions.

I knew that Joaquin was just as upset as I was. I could feel the tension, the anger, the sadness, the sorrow. He had been so excited for everything to do with the baby. I knew he wanted to be a dad, but I had destroyed that dream of his.

The longer I was without that warmth, without the others, the more I began to shake. That numb feeling was spreading and it was like I would never be warm again.

I didn’t even notice it when Joaquin gently put his hand on my shoulder and tried to get my attention. I paid no mind as he guided me to sit on a wooden chair near the sliding glass door. I hadn’t even registered what the room actually looked like. I was beginning to run on autopilot.

I was at a loss. I usually knew at least a little of what I should be doing at all times. Most of the time I was quite capable. But now, I didn’t know what to do, what to say, what to feel. I was broken, because I failed in my most important job ever. How could I ever save anyone, protect anyone, if I couldn’t keep my baby safe?

**

Joaquin **

“Riviana?” I called her name for the fifth time and still there was no response. I was losing her, she was spiraling and I didn’t know what to do. I had memories flashing through my mind. My mom, rapidly moving beyond my reach. My father gone. My family decimated. I couldn’t handle that again. I wouldn’t survive it this time, not without her.

“Riviana?” I called to her again, my voice cracking and shaking. “Baby please look at me.” I tried one more time to get her attention as I shook her.

“Huh?” She finally responded, like she hadn’t even heard me before at all. “What’s wrong Joaquin?” She asked me like nothing had happened at all. Like she had not just been sitting there staring off into nothingness for several minutes.

“Riviana, baby, are you alright?” I asked her, trying to get her to open up to me.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She tried to smile but it was clearly a grimace. She was not ok, but she was trying to be, for me.

“Honey, please don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t lie to me, please. Don’t pretend to be alright. Just talk to me.” I wanted to be upset, to hurt like her, but I wouldn’t let myself because she needed me to be strong for her. I needed to be her rock, her support, her strength. Whatever she needed from me I would do it. I couldn’t lose her. I knew I would never survive it.

She looked at me with shock filled eyes. Either she thought she was a better liar than that, or she really was blocking out what she was truly feeling.

“Joaquin, I don’t know-.”

“It’s fine to be upset, Little Bunny.” I held her in my arms. “It’s fine to be mad, and angry, and want to kill Edmond even more than you did before.” I chafed my hands up and down over her arms, trying to warm her through the friction. “It’s fine to be sad, and hurt, and want to cry. Trust me, I am feeling all those, but just don’t leave me behind. Please.”

“Leave you behind? What do you mean?” She was confused, at least that was genuine.

“Don’t go into the darkness. Don’t get lost like my mom did. Please, baby, just talk to me instead of holding it all in.”

“Joaquin?” She seemed to be thinking about what I said, about everything, based on the look on her face. “I don’t want to go into the dark. I never want that. But I just felt numb after everything today.” I watched as a tear slowly fell down her cheek, trailing a path through the dried blood on the right side of her face.

“I’m going to be here, to anchor you. I am going to be whatever you need me to be. I love you too much to live without you.” I was on my knees in front of her, holding her hands tight in my own.

“Joaquin, I’m sorry.” She threw her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly. “I’m not going anywhere. Just stay with me and I will stay with you.”

“Always.” I breathed into her ear as I wrapped my arms around her waist.

**

Riviana **

Joaquin was being especially attentive and emotionally supportive. I didn’t think that he would be that open with me. I knew he was hurting too, but he was more worried about me than he was himself.

“Joaquin, aren’t you upset as well?” I asked him as I pulled away, breaking the hug but keeping my hands on his shoulders.

“I’m devastated, it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to hear. But if someone were to tell me you were gone, I would be destroyed. I can’t survive without you.” He cupped my cheek as he spoke, rubbing his thumb over my cheekbone as he looked me in the eyes.

“If it came to saving me or our baby, which would you choose?” I asked him, curious to hear his answer.

“You can’t ask me that right now.” He seemed scared of that question. “Our baby didn’t have a chance to survive without you.”

“True, but if it did?” He was really not excited to hear that question.

“I don’t know.” He ran his hand through his hair, or he tried to since half of it was stiff with dried blood and other things. We were both a mess. “Let’s not talk about this right now, ok. We need to get cleaned up.”

At those words he picked me up and carried me into the bathroom. This kind of luxury resort had lots of amenities, and a killer bathroom. Not as awesome as mine, but hey not everyone could have my place. It had a waterfall shower big enough to fit four people so it would be just perfect for the two of us. And there was a large tub that we could soak in together, given that we were fine with being very close.

Joaquin set me down in front of the sink and started the water in the shower. I would have loved to soak in the tub. I would feel better after a nice long soak. But as I was currently covered in blood and dust and Joaquin was covered in gore, that would not make for a pleasant bath. Maybe next time.

While Joaquin busied himself with getting everything ready for the shower I looked at myself in the mirror. There was blood all over the right side of my head, dried in my hair and smeared down my cheek and neck. My light blue sweater that I had chosen to wear today was covered in dust and dirt that ranged from the white of plaster to the blackish brown of true dirt. There were also smears, and splatters of blood all over my arms. As for my top, in the middle of the belly area, there was a hole about two inches wide where something had pierced through me and had probably been partially responsible for me losing the baby. My black jeans made it hard to see any of the filth, but I felt the stiffness of the dried blood running down both legs.

I don’t know how badly I had been injured. I don’t know what all happened to me after David pulled us away. But I know that it was bad. I don’t remember exactly when I lost consciousness, fully or partially. I remember darkness, pain, yelling, and then nothing. And when I woke up, I was in Joaquin’s arms, the place I most want to be.

“Are you coming?” Joaquin called out to me, breaking through my thoughts.

“Uh, yeah, sorry I was just lost in thought.”

“Come on, get out of these things.” He pulled me toward him and started to undo the button on my jeans. There was no seduction or heat to his moves or body, neither of us was interested in anything but getting clean right now.

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