Filed To Story: In the Shadow of the Past Luna (Lily & James)
Not that I had a choice. The darker it got, the more my body began to hurt and ache. I felt feverish and dizzy, and despite doing everything in my power to get comfortable in my seat, I knew from what my friends told me, and what I had seen, that I was minutes away from making a spectacle of myself. I needed to get out of there and fast.
Any hope that I had had of anyone being there with me when I shifted was gone. I knew I was on my own for this.
As I got up, I felt angry eyes on me. I couldn’t help but turn to see who was staring me down. Unsurprisingly, it was future alpha James. We briefly locked eyes and then I scurried away.
Today was not the first time that I had caught James looking at me, but it was the first time I had seen such anger and resentment in his gaze. I had no idea what that was about, but I told myself it was probably just the way that James was choosing to grieve.
Clumsily, after knocking over a couple of flower arrangements on my way out the door, I finally made it out of the venue. I hurried myself to the nearby forest. At first, I started to head the direction I had gone with Stephanie just last night, but I quickly realized that was a bad idea. I decided to head in the opposite direction, towards a waterfall.
I still do not know why Stephanie was so insistent on me meeting her in the forest last night. She told me before she went downstairs to watch a movie with James that she had something special she wanted to show me at midnight. I tried to tell her that I did not want to meet her that late because I needed to save my energy for my first shift, but she was being stubborn… and I knew all too well what happens when Stephanie was being stubborn or felt like she was being challenged. Plus, naive me thought there was a possibility that Stephanie wanted to give me a present or do something nice for me for once.
Another flash of pain distracted me from thinking any more about last night, and I fell to the ground.
Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head. “Keep going, Lily. Keep going. Get to the waterfall.”
I was not sure who the voice belonged to, but I knew that I needed to listen to it. Struggling, I climbed to my feet… only to fall to the ground again as another flash of pain hit me. Everything in me wanted to give up and pray that I joined Stephanie wherever she was. However, the voice spoke again.
“Lily, I will help you through this, but I need you to move. Please. Crawl if you have to, but you need to get to the waterfall.”
Slowly, I got myself on all fours and crawled as quickly as I could through the forest towards the waterfall. My hands and legs were getting scraped up, but the scrapes were nothing compared to the pain that I was feeling as my body prepared for its first shift.
It must have taken me at least 10 minutes —although in my head it felt more like a couple of hours— but I finally made it to the waterfall. Once there, I collapsed. The pain continued to come at me in huge waves, and a few times I was sure I was going to stop breathing.
“Hold on, Lily. You are going to be fine. I need you to clear your mind and just focus on letting go.”
The pain hurt too much to fight or question, so I closed my eyes and just did as I was told. I heard and felt the sound of bones breaking, and I felt like my body was essentially self-imploding.
Finally, after several more minutes —which again seemed to pass in slow motion— the pain suddenly stopped.
“Good job, Lily. You did good,”
the voice said.
The pain was gone, so I could finally ask questions. “Who… who are you?”
I asked.
“I am your wolf, silly. My name is Rose. Are you ready to see what I look like?”
“Y-yes.”
“Good. Now open your eyes.”
I opened my eyes and immediately noticed that I was not human anymore. My feet and hands were paws. I then looked into the water that pooled at the edge of the waterfall, and I saw my reflection… or rather the reflection of Rose. My heart stopped.
There are many different types of wolves —alpha wolves; beta wolves; gamma wolves; warrior wolves; silver wolves; white wolves; red wolves; omega wolves. And even within those categories, there are varying sizes and colors and markings. We learn about the types of wolves in school.
“Expect the unexpected”
was a phrase that was often said about the first transition, but in reality your wolf generally follows your lineage: the children of alpha wolves will generally be alpha wolves; the children of beta wolves will generally be beta wolves; and so on. Typically, the big excitement —especially with children of ranked wolves— centers on the size, color, and personality of the new wolf.
Looking back at me in the reflection of the pool was a type of wolf I had never seen or learned about in school. Rose’s fur was a beautiful bluish-silver color that almost glowed. On the right side of her rump was a large black crescent moon symbol, and the black coloring of that symbol matched her solid black paws and black tail. In addition, I noticed that Rose was huge. Although it was tough to tell, it appeared to me that Rose was at least as large as some alpha wolves.
“What type of wolf are we, Rose?”
“A special type. You will learn more as time goes on, but know that the Moon Goddess has blessed you and I, Lily.”
I did not say anything; I was not sure what to say.
Rose and I sat by the waterfall for a while longer, until I remembered Stephanie’s funeral. “We need to get back!”
I told Rose in a panic.
Rose guided me through how to transform back to our human form, and I frantically searched the nearby trees for clothes. I found a men’s t-shirt and shorts. Both were far too big for my small frame, so I opted to just put the t-shirt on.
I also grabbed my eye-glasses off the ground and put them on; thankfully they did not break during the transition. Now that I had Rose, I would not need the glasses anymore because she would heal my eyes. However, Rose warned me that —for now— it was best that I continue to wear the glasses and let the pack believe that I did not yet have my wolf. I thought it was a curious thing for her to say, but I had no reason to not trust her.
I hurried back to the packhouse and entered the beta suite, hoping to quickly change clothes and re-join the mourning crowd.
Unfortunately, once I entered the suite, I was met with the angry, accusing eyes of my mother.
“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? HOW DARE YOU MAKE A SCENE AT YOUR SISTER’S FUNERAL! HAVE YOU NO SHAME? ARE YOU SO SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED THAT YOU CAN THINK OF NO ONE BUT YOURSELF?”
I said nothing. What could I say?
My mother then did something that, in my 14 years, she had never done before. She slapped me. Hard. And the beating continued from there.
(6 years later)
(Lily POV)
Six years have now passed since that fateful day that Stephanie died.
I wish that I could say that life has moved on, and that we have found good in the bad… but for the most part, it isn’t true. Stephanie is just as much a part of this pack today as she was before she died. And the grief felt in the pack is just as raw and angry as it was that first day.
If anything has changed, it is that -instead of Stephanie being out in the center of things- she lives on almost like a shadow over everything. She now has a couple of streets named after her -Stephanie Lane and Steffie Avenue (her nickname was “Steffie”
); the local coffee shops sell a couple of drinks dedicated to her; and you can quite literally find some of her favorite outfits on display in glass cases at various places throughout the pack.
Even more bizarre, the day she died was turned into a pack holiday, as was her birthday. Everyone but pack omegas have both days off from work, school, and training, and there are somber celebrations and remembrances planned to commemorate each occasion.
I once made the mistake of asking my parents whether this was a normal reaction to the death of a single she-wolf. We can love and miss her, but to continue to hold large ceremonies every year? And to treat her as a saint and forget that she had a human side too? That seemed a bit too much to me. As far as I know, the pack has never done this for any other luna or future luna, and it only honors 2-3 historical alphas in such a manner.
I was rewarded for my questions by being called jealous and hateful. (I also received a significant beating, but beatings had become commonplace from my mother, so I cannot say that my question necessarily triggered the beating I received that day. Plus, the beating hurt far less than what I received before Stephanie died. But for the slight pain and who did the beating, I almost would not have minded.)
Overall, I think the worst part of losing Stephanie six years ago wasn’t losing Stephanie… it was how losing Stephanie impacted my relationship with my parents and other pack members.
Before Stephanie died, I was well aware that Stephanie was my parents’ favorite. My older brother Nick and I would even joke about it from time to time. But even though Stephanie was their favorite, they still treated me really well and loved me. They never would have raised a hand to me before Stephanie died.
After Stephanie died, however, my parents could barely look at me. And when they did, I saw the unmistakable wish in their eyes that it had been me, not Stephanie, that died that fateful night.
In addition, my parents stopped caring about my well-being generally. I lived in their house until I was 17, but I was responsible for my own meals and necessities. I was forced to take on a part-time job at a nearby diner just to ensure I had clothes and food to eat. (I technically could have eaten the food that was available in the packhouse, but the dirty looks and mean comments made by my parents, James, and other pack members were enough to make that an unrealistic option.)
Also, in case you are wondering, I have not celebrated a birthday since Stephanie died. Not one single soul other than Rose has bothered to tell me happy birthday. No one even bothered to ask me whether I had received my wolf. That wasn’t because birthdays stopped being important; it was just mine whose meaning changed.
I attended plenty of birthday parties, and the pack hosted plenty of 14th birthday celebrations. In fact, I think it was because of one of those birthday celebrations that someone finally questioned whether I had received a wolf. It was a legitimate question, given that I was over 14 and never joined a pack run. Rose encouraged me early on to skip them “for safety reasons,”
and I was all too happy to do so.
Had anyone bothered to ask me directly about my wolf or about why I was skipping the pack runs, I would have been honest… but no one ever did. Instead, a rumor spread that I was wolfless. Pack members speculated that I lost my wolf as a result of post-traumatic stress from losing Stephanie and/or guilt for what I had done to Stephanie.
That latter theory was the one that really got under my skin, because I knew that was a theory and rumor spread by James. Shortly after Stephanie’s funeral, he told my parents and most of the pack that Stephanie was only in the forest that night to save me. He also said I had gone out to meet a boy. I have no idea why he would say such things; I have never had a boyfriend and Stephanie was the one who asked me to meet her in the forest.
This rumor was the main reason that I received a beating from my mother the night of my first shift. And it probably adds to the reason that pack members feel free to wish me dead.
Notably, though, I have never dared to defend myself. To tell the truth would be the equivalent of talking negatively of both Stephanie and our future alpha…. and would likely lead to a death sentence.
So instead, I have always just pushed through. One of the ways that I have survived is to hold on to the faith that one day things will be different. Another thing that I have done is take every last opportunity to leave the pack.
For example, I hurried through high school so that I could graduate early, and I then went away to college. To avoid coming home, I have been loading up on credit hours and taking every term of school -including the mini winter sessions- that I can get. I am also taking advantage of a unique expedited program offered just for werewolves doctors. Given all of these things, I actually expect that I can become a fully licensed werewolf doctor in just a couple more years.
Until I become fully licensed and independent, I will have to continue to bear the shadow of my sister and the pain that comes with it. I am required to be present for both of her holidays -all pack members are; there are no exceptions- but thankfully those are among the very few times that I can reliably be found at the Western Mountain pack these days.
My ultimate goal is to meet my mate and become a pack doctor in his pack… which I pray to the Moon Goddess is not the Western Mountain pack. If, Goddess forbid, my mate is in this pack, perhaps I can convince him to transfer packs with me.
Goddess willing.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I guess we will find out then.
(James POV)
Tomorrow will mark six years since Stephanie died. Everything and nothing has changed.
I still think of Stephanie every single day. Her beautiful smile. Her laugh. The kindness that she showed to pack members. The passion that she showed for her luna training.
New Book: Veiled Desires of the Alpha King Novel
Dayson was the alpha of the largest pack in North America. Powerful figures from other packs sought to offer gorgeous girls as potential mates for Dayson. He steadfastly rejected these advances, he was not a pawn to be manipulated. But eventually there came a mysterious girl he could hardly say No. Who was she?