Filed to story: Sorry Alpha I Am Wolfless Novel
No, Joaquin, Vincent, and Gabriel had taken that job away from me and told me to just wait here.
‘They’re going to die.’ That voice was back again. It had gone away for a couple days just like it had before, but now, whenever I was feeling like I wasn’t doing enough work, the voice came back. That’s why I was both happy and worried about getting these people to start their jobs. If they did their jobs and I didn’t have to worry maybe the voice would go away completely. Then again, maybe letting them work for me would backfire and I would end up feeling so miserable that I was left as nothing more than a blubbering fool when my sanity completely abandons me.
‘All of your people are going to die, and all of it will be your fault.’ Over the last few weeks, since Aunt Glory and the others had left, the voice had stopped being nothing but a faint whisper. Now, even though it was still just a whisper, it was loud enough and clear enough for me to understand everything that it said.
‘You’re ruining it all. They will die in a fiery mass destruction, and it will all be your fault. You should run away. You should leave them be and flee before they blame you. You’re a murderer. You’re a killer. You’re going to destroy them all.’
I tried all the time to pretend that the voice wasn’t there at all. I tried to pretend that I didn’t hear it or that I was above its influence. The truth of the matter though, was that I was literally going insane because of it.
I felt like my hair was thinning and I was sleeping less and less. I wasn’t eating as much, and I know that I was losing weight. Joaquin had asked me several times now if I was sick or if I needed to see Griffin and Lana.
No, I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t want to burden them. I didn’t want to make them check me out when there was nothing physically wrong with me. My only problem was psychological. I was going crazy, that was all.
That was another reason that I wanted competent people to work for me. What would happen if I lost it all completely? I would have to leave Joaquin in charge, but he would need help. He would need a group of people that were capable of running things in my stead. But was this going to work? Would they be able to manage the whole kingdom if I couldn’t stop myself from going crazy completely?
Dammit! I certainly hoped that they were. I didn’t want to worry about something else. I didn’t want to second guess another of my decisions or to hear a new voice start assaulting my ears.
Speaking of that voice, it was back once again.
‘Run away, Riviana, run away and save yourself. If you stay, all of your people will die. All of them. Over half the world’s population will die from a mass attack that is caused by you. You will kill them. You will destroy them. Can you live with that?’
“No, mystery voice, I can’t.” I sighed to the empty room around me. “No, I can’t live with that. That is why I am hoping you are nothing more than my fear that I am messing up and not an actual threat to my people. I need to do what I can to help them all. I need to do what I can to make sure that no one ever suffers because I am not the queen that they deserve.”
I was letting some of my fears out for the first time. These are fears that I have been harboring since the first day that I found out that I was going to be the ‘queen’ of all the shifters. These fears date back all the way to when I was nothing more than a Goddess Incarnate.
Oh, look at how time had flown by. I can’t believe that in just a little over eight years since that time I am now someone who is completely unrecognizable. If the Riviana that actually married Joaquin was standing here, she wouldn’t even know who I was. And if I could see myself from back then, I would warn her to think twice before making any of her decisions. It’s best to be sure so that you didn’t inadvertently cause a massive political issue.
“Hahh.” I sighed as I pressed my head against my desk. I truly do hope that none of this ever gets out. I didn’t need people to know that I was actually crazy.
No, my personal issues could never see the light of day. I needed to hide this from them all.. I needed to put on a happy face and make them all think that I was doing just fine.
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Joaquin
****
My Little Bunny had been back to the crazy and hectic days again. She was always trying to do too much. Over the last few years, she was always trying to take everything onto her shoulders and do everything by herself. I really don’t know why she insisted on doing it all herself instead of asking me or Vincent, or even Gabriel for help.
Things have been getting so much worse for her lately too. For some reason, ever since Gloriana and Valerian, along with the others, came to visit she has been so much worse. It’s like something is troubling her, but I can’t really tell what it is yet.
And to top it all off, she is so exhausted. Something that has really been bothering me lately. All I could smell on her was that exhaustion. She reeked of it. And I didn’t want to sound rude or cruel by pointing it out to her.
She didn’t just smell tired either. It was easy to just look at her and see that she was tired. There were dark circles under her eyes, bags even. There were lines where there never used to be. Her expression just looked drawn and worn out.
Dammit! Why couldn’t I make things better for my Little Bunny? She is my whole world. Her and my children. I would do anything for her, but I didn’t know what to do for her right now. All I wanted to do was make everything better for her. How could I do that, though?
The only thing that I could think of, was to drag her away from work and make her participate with the family more. She loves the kids, and they love her. I know how much happiness they bring her and how much she loves spending time with them too. I mean, she was still forcing into her schedule for the nightly bedtime stories to them, on top of all the other work she was doing. That told me that if it was something to do with the kids, then I just might be able to drag her away.
That was why I had scheduled this whole family day for us. I wanted to take the kids to the mall to shop for something special. School was starting soon. Reagan and Rika were going into second grade and Talia was about to start preschool. It was a big time of year for our family.
“Come on, Mommy. It’s time for us to leave.” Talia ran into Little Bunny’s office with so much enthusiasm it was almost like I set off a firework in there.
“Go? Go where?” My Little Bunny was so exhausted and tired, but I could still see that she had a smile on her face for her little girl.
“We’re going out, Mommy.” Rika grinned and followed after her sister.
“Yeah, come on Momma. Let’s get going.” Reagan was the last one that I needed to send. I was still standing at the door leading into the room and watching them all with a smile on my face. If all three of them came to her for a day out, then there was no way that she would turn them down.
“I..I admit I didn’t know that we were leaving at all. Where are we going?” I watched as she stuttered a little and floundered about, trying to figure out what was going on.
“We’re going for a family day. Come on, Mommy.” Talia took her hand and gave her one of those shy and innocent smiles. It was bound to work.
At that moment, my Little Bunny lifted her head and looked at me with confusion on her face.
“Come on, Riviana. I know you’re busy with your queenly duties, but the kids and I want to spend time with you. So, take a break and come out with us.” OK, I might be trying to rely on my winning smile and perfect charm as well. I would use all the tools that I had in my arsenal just to drag my wife away from work.
OK, that might sound a little wrong here, but she just worked too much. All day, every single day. I needed to try and put an end to it at some time. I needed to help keep her healthy and sane, or whatever it was that she is supposed to be. Maybe working all the time is sane to some people, but I knew that it was destroying my wife.
“Alright.” She sighed before looking back at me and shaking her head, knowing that I had won this round made me feel immensely happy. “Let me at least get changed and get ready for the day. I don’t even know where we’re going.”
The kids took my Little Bunny’s hands then and helped to speed her along her way. They pulled her to her feet and then out of the room. As a family we all went upstairs to help mommy pick out her clothes for the day. I wanted this to be as casual as it possibly could, but that wasn’t possible with all of us.
As I watched my family happily pick through clothes, I thought about how much work went into us going out as a family. OK, Riviana and I could go out no problem without it becoming something too major.
